Stop trying to fit in, and find true belonging

What does it mean to belong?

This is something that I hope we have all felt at one time or another. It’s a very special feeling. And it’s important. Humans (and maybe most living things?) are meant to have this sense of belonging. To feel connected, to feel like we’re one with others. But what does it really mean, “belonging”?

The internet defines it as: “an affinity for a place or situation”.

“To belong” is defined as: “be a part of a group” or “fit in a place or environment”.

Digging a little deeper, you find cultivated definitions with more heart:

“The feeling of security and support when there is a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and identity for a member of a certain group.”*

How would you define belonging?

For me, I start by considering the core elements, the things that make up that sense of belonging. The things I feel when I’m with my closest friends and confidantes.

• Comfort

• Acceptance

• Support

• Showing your true self in a fearless way

• The feeling that you are where you want and need to be. That you are supported no matter what. That you’re accepted no matter what. That you’ll always have a place with that person.

Those are the important elements that encompass belonging. What else might you add?

I've always felt an innate sense of belonging when outside, in Nature. Being with my true home, where we all came from. It's easy because there's no fear of judgement. No expectations to be a certain way. It's the easiest place to just be myself. That's how I started learning and cultivating my relationship with belonging.

Why is belonging important?

Belonging is important for optimal health. For your mental health. To feel like you’re connected and not alone in this world. To have people who support you along your healing journey. To have a sounding board for the hard moments. Someone to talk through things with. To feel empowered. Having meaningful relationships makes for a more joyful and fulfilling life.

Is fitting in the same as belonging?

Short answer: No.

People often confuse fitting in with belonging. Of course they do! So much of how society functions is based on fitting in. Being trendy, popular, saying the right thing. Belonging seems to be what everyone longs for, yet it’s often confused with fitting in. There are some significant differences between the two. The main difference is that fitting in is about altering things about yourself and belonging is about being yourself. People alter characteristics about themselves to merge with a group or a situation. To fit themselves right into an existing box.

I, for one, gave up on trying to fit in a long time ago. When I realized I wasn’t getting the satisfaction of a deep connection with those people. And the fact that I had to alter myself to accommodate or be considered “cool” in their eyes. That really pulled on my deep beliefs of not being good enough.

Plus, I’m spunky, geeky, love to colour my hair and dance with the trees. That’s not “acceptable” for most people. But it’s so much fun. I couldn’t possibly give that up!

So I didn’t. I focused on myself instead of what they thought of me. And I found people who love me for me. With them, I feel like I belong. The less I did to dilute myself, the more connection I found.

So what does it feel like, to truly belong?

True Belonging

True connection, true belonging, requires vulnerability. Putting your true self out there and not caring what others think. The power to be yourself. There are no barriers in a true belonging, connection. The energy flows freely between the two sources. When you’re chatting with that person who can hold such space for you, there’s no block preventing the connection. The energy flows in both directions. And you feel compassion, understanding, and a calmness.

To have this relationship where you feel like you belong, you need a few other things.

Trust. Acceptance. Openness. And yes, the capacity to hold space for each other, equally.

First, you must cultivate these aspects within yourself, TOWARDS yourself. Then, you can share this with the other person.

You won’t have this connection with everyone. The magic is finding one or a few people that you can connect to on this level. This is a very special part of you, and it’s a privilege for others to experience this connection with you. So, it’s not something you want to share with everyone. People need to earn it by showing their capacity to hold space for belonging. And you must do the same.

Next, I’ll lay out the steps for you to get that sense of belonging. To feel that connection.

Steps to belong

1. Nothing.

There are no steps. Not really. There’s nothing you have to do or change about yourself in order to belong. Realize that you’ve belonged all along. Realize that you’re already worthy and perfect as you are. You don’t need to prove anything.

Then the real challenge is figuring out what prevents us from feeling that sense of belonging. What keeps us stuck on/so focused on fitting in.

What keeps us from belonging?

Since belonging requires an openness and a vulnerability, there are things that can get in the way.

1. The fear of being judged.

2. The idea that we aren’t good enough or worthy.

3. The fear of being vulnerable, and being hurt.

4. Shame.

These are big. These can be powerful. It takes daily practice to move past these barriers. You must get to know them well. Understand what triggers these ideas or emotions, and know how to come down from them. Learn how to process the emotions as they happen.

The work

I did say it takes daily practice. :) The real work is the same as it is for most things. Getting to know yourself. Getting to know what fears are preventing you from being open. What elements are pushing you towards fitting in? Why do you want to fit in? How can you cultivate a relationship based on belonging? And practice. Practice. Practice. Learn. Adapt. Practice more.

I’ve found that life is so much more fulfilling when the focus is not on trying to fit in. And instead, I put my energy into developing rich, meaningful relationships that allow me and the other people to learn and grow. And to feel accepted and appreciated no matter what.

With my clients, I cultivate a space where they feel like they belong. Where they can show up, be their true selves, and not worry about being judged or shamed. The space we create for healing is sacred. My clients need to feel supported, accepted, and comfortable so that growing and healing can happen.

Please take the time to cultivate and nurture a relationship like this so that you may grow and heal. You, and the collective energy of the world, will be so much better off.